(From the Table is a series of conversational articles which have been birthed from the weeks treatments with Jacquie McIntyre- showcasing some interesting concepts and issues that both people and animals alike face in their journey to body and mind health and deep happiness. (all names have been changed))
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This is a story about crying, and moving into an experience of high emotion, instead of away from it like you were taught to...but I have to start here first.
One of our family members name is Bailey. She is a sassy and fiercely determined cat (alien) who knows exactly what she needs and how she needs it. She has by far, been one of my greatest teachers in life. Showing me how to ask for what I need, and then bath in it with gratitude when it comes.
On her resume, amongst other skills you would notice that "Professional dog trainer and educator" is listed.
Any dog who has ever come to be at our house has been 'cat' trained by Bailey.
She takes special interest in dogs that are nervous around cats and whom are general cat chasers and eaters, she is so good at dog training it puts some human trainers to shame.
Her current conquest is the next door neighbors dog (Titian), he does not like cats, humans or anything that moves for that matter.
You see he was bought into that family with the intention of him needing to defend and protect the 'lady of the house', and that is exactly what he does. When you project an intention onto a dog, they will embody it so strongly that sometimes it can be the biggest challenge to change the entanglement that they are involved in and change the behaviors associated with it.
Bailey has this beautiful non attachment to him being upset or the tantrums he throws multiple times everyday when any of us go out side.
She simply sits there right up against the fence, and holds space for him to have his emotional breakdown at her, gnawing at the fence and trying to 'break on through to the other side'.
I just had a Door's moment!
She is the epitome of neutrality, and when he has moved through the 'crying' and emotional offloading, she calls an end to class, walks away and off she toddles till the next day.
She is making progress, and he is happier for it, but he has deep conditioning that will take time to shift. She is OK with him crying and offloading and I'm more than OK with people doing the same.
Which leads me to tell you about a sizable experience I had in November 2015. I had received a gum injury during a periodontal appointment in 2005 (sounds serious right!, well it was) and it caused a tiny blister to form on the gum. This went up and down (bursting) over the course of a few years, getting bigger each time, until this one time, the bacteria got the upper hand and my body couldn't handle the work load addressing it all on its own...I ended up in hospital 4 times over the course of 3 days.
I was put in a larger hospital with a Maxillofacial team who monitored the infection...it was eating through the zygomatic arch and making its way to the Brain. So with the help of a great medical team and some incredible BodyTalk practitioners facilitating sessions for me by distance, we got on top of it, but it had invaded the tooth so much that I had to have it pulled....
I was OK with it going, I saw it as an important release...a chapter of high stress time being encapsulated and now given the opportunity to leave the body..... I was not OK with dental treatment. I had so many memories from past dental events that still triggered deeply within.
I was sent from my hospital room straight over to the dental clinic to have it removed before being released.....I was crying on my way there, when I walked in, and I was crying in the waiting room 15 mins later when they quickly ushered me into the room where the extraction would take place. You see, I was originally told that I would probably have to sit there for a few hours and wait for someone to fit me because I was last minute.
The reason why I was taken through so quickly was because no-one knew what to do about me crying, they were all really uncomfortable...squirming in their seats, getting drinks of water, avoiding eye contact, trips to the toilet on an empty bladder and whispering "whats wrong with her?"
I do not have the desire to hide tears like I used to years and years ago, and I have no attachment to needing anyone to be OK with me crying.
However that's not something that most people are supported to grow up being OK with from birth, unfortunately it's something that it still quiet socially unacceptable, feared and miss understood. Generally people are very uncomfortable and they handle it in ways that does not let a person work through the experience in a healthy way.
At the time in that dentist room I knew that I needed to just let it go...that holding the stress of the past 4 days and my fear of dentists would be like holding a big ugly beast inside my tissues that one day in the future would come and bit me on my rear end.
If it is not dealt with in the moment, it's like it goes on the body's 'To do list' because your not allowing it to happen in the moment, and the job of releasing gets bigger and bigger, until it becomes something the body demands you deal with, or more serious...it doesn't know how to deal with it any longer and turns it into something else completely.
I was taken into the dentist room still blubbering with tears and snot going everywhere to find a young man in his early 20's, a young dental assistant and an older woman in her fifties, all kitted up and waiting for me.
He motions to the chair with his hand and says in a really happy voice "Hi...take a seat"...he immediately notices my current state but obviously thinks that if he is super happy, it will cancel out my unhappiness and turn me around. Nope!
I curl up into the fetal position on my side, facing them and say "I dont like any dental stuff at all...are you going to hurt me"
He goes to say something, but the words get caught and he stutters, not sure what to say next because he really starts to take in my current state...he looks to the older lady...his superior and shrugs his shoulders at her...he takes a step towards me and excitedly tells me "this is my last day of my dentist training, tomorrow I will be a fully qualified dentist"
I nod..."uh ha"...I say to him through hyperventilated breaths..."Listen, I'm OK, I just need to cry this out. You just do what you need to do and Ill do what I need to do and we will all get through it"
It seemed to give him permission to engage and go into action mode because that's exactly what he did. I'm sure he will make a fine dentist, and I knew that we were meant to be each others 'teachers that day.
Whilst having the tooth extracted, I also hovered outside myself observing and wondered a few things. We are the only species on this planet that actively denies some of our most basic instincts like crying and strong emotions like fear, grief and anger. Why don't people cry when they need, where does that come from? How can I better support people around me to be able to do this easily and understand why it's a big deal?
You see, I dont engage or interfere with crying in sessions or anywhere really. I dont offer tissues unless they are asked for. I dont tell someone to "keep going" or "let it all out". I dont rest a hand on their shoulder and whisper "there, there" or "shhh don't cry", because it nearly always pulls them out of the experience, and I'm there to facilitate it, not stop it or run my own agenda...I value them that much.
I am a silent observer to the release...
Have you ever thought about why you tell someone to stop crying, or don't like it when someone experiences a strong emotion like grief or fear...you learnt it right? But we do it for another reasons.
Its done all the time with kids right?..."stop your crying right now!", "you have nothing to cry about", "crying is for girls", "if you keep crying, I'll give you something to cry about"
The list goes on and on, and these experiences from the first 5 years of your life form the foundations for why you wont/can't or are uncomfortable crying when you need today.
It sets up very deep beliefs like this;
"It's not safe to cry"
"Crying makes me weak"
"Crying is painful" (especially if you were hurt as a child to stop you from crying)
"Its better if I don't say anything"
"I don't need to cry"
"Crying like a baby"
"Crying shows my weakness"
"Crying makes me vulnerable"
These beliefs you have within you, generate from the subconscious mind, and the foundations for them were built in the first seven years...all experience after that only made them stronger and solidified them even more.
We can undo this, it is completely possible to get a complete resolution from this and experience life as it is meant to be experienced...IN the moment, As IT IS.
Maybe to see someone else crying, reminds you of your own pain you haven't dealt with, and getting them to stop means that you dont have to be reminded of it. So subconsciously you need them to stop so it doesn't trigger your own pain.
We dont tell people to stop laughing, why would we ask someone to stop crying?
For the same reason, we have an agenda subconsciously...an agenda to make our-self feel better. If getting someone to stop crying makes us feel better, then we will drive that unconsciously for sure.
Have you been with someone when their tears well up in their eyes and you can feel that they are holding so much....but they sniff it all up, swallow hard and tell you "I promised myself I wouldn't cry"...how many times have you done this yourself?...I have!
When a person stifles a cry, implodes it, pushes it down and especially if it has become a set of ingrained behaviors where they don't 'let themselves cry' at all, it is going to impact their experience of life and their body in many varied ways, many of them are regular features in my clinical and group practice.
I am going to be doing a series of Facebook Live feeds on these over the coming weeks, so be sure to join me for those.
I'll be covering how imploding strong emotions, not allowing self to cry and avoiding moving into emotional experiences shows up in the Lungs the digestive system, especially the Large Intestine, the Thyroid and Parathyroid glands, the eye sight, the Breasts and Reproductive system are just a few.
"Many people have come from such a long ancestral line of 'non-criers' that one really has to come at it from the perspective of starting a revolution of emotional liberation within the generation that they are the frontier of"
So in moving forward a few things you can do for yourself and others.
Firstly yourself:
1) Remember that it's just an experience to be felt and moved through like any other, the more freely you move into it, the quicker you will find you move through it.
2) It is important that you allow your body to release what is being bought up and not swallow or implode tears and other emotions that are surfacing.
3) By having a different relationship with the action of crying, you are teaching and advocating healthy emotional release within other people too.
4) Be OK with temporarily not feeling OK, then the not OK times, become really quiet OK.
5) Don't apologise for crying, ever.
6) Let tears roll down your face, soaking in, it helps with being OK with it all. So many people move to quickly wipe away tears.
With other people:
1) There is no need to do anything, except be in silence, listen and observe.
2) Imagine yourself being a big old Oak tree, ground and rooted in its place. It allows your energy to be solid within yourself and the other person often will feel safe in that space.
3) Offer no suggestions or words of 'wisdom' such as "That's right, let it go", "It's better to let it all out"...Watch for your own 'uncomfortableness' in the process. Allow them to move through it rather than you guiding them.
3) Question at the time (feel into if it's right for them or not), if it is appropriate to touch or give hugs. Often it is NOT, as it pulls a person out of their moment and can be a sabotage on yours and/ or their behalf. (A touch or hug after the release is often a super way to round everything off and signals completion, but not before)
4) Be OK with them temporarily not being OK
5) It's not necessary to analyse for them why it is happening.
6) Having a clear relationship with your intuition will help you in the moment be able to gauge if it's a priority to engage and embrace (hug) during the expression or not. Everyone needs are different in each situation.
10 Things you could say instead of Stop Crying
There are some things that you can say to offer support when someone is having a really difficult time. I know many people get stuck for words...try these if in doubt and remember...deliver it of the Heart.
1. I'm listening
2. I'm here with you
3. I can see this is really heard for you
4. I don't need you to be anything else right now
5. I hear you!
6. I will help you work it out
7. Tell me about it
8. I'll stay close so you can find me when your ready
9. I support you to move into this and explore it
10. This is really hard for you
I'd love for you to share on my Facebook page how you have moved into a space of better emotional liberation, or how you need help with this, if you do and you feel called to work with me, you can contact me at info@jacquiemcintyre.com
Wish upon a star
Jacquie xxx
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